Monday, October 12, 2009
Facts Known Only by the Very Little
- Some fish can actually get seasick.
- Panama hats are primarily produced in Panama.
- SO MANY CHOICES...There are around 35 different ways a chess game can turn out, making it one of the hardest games in history.
- Cleopatra was Abyssinian, not Egyptian.
- Due to a translation error, the Korean War never technically ended.
- Vesta is the brightest asteroid orbiting Mercury which has no moons or satellites.
- EVERYBODY'S WORKING FOR THE WEEKEND: It requires 4,500 silkworms to make just the knot in a man's silk necktie.
- In France, women could not legally vote until 1978.
- There are more than 500 feathers on the whistler swan's body, the most of any bird.
- Women blink twice as many times as men.
- Vatican employees are required to submit a bi-monthly blood test.
Labels: fish vomit, vatican, weekend
Friday, August 21, 2009
Today’s Freshmen Class
The world of today’s youth is a far different place than any world you or I have ever known. Instead of calling their friends using old-fashioned rotary-dial and cellular mobile phones, they prefer to communicate via tweets and sexts. Instead of wearing flip-flops to class like we did, they wear flip-flops and sometimes Crocs. Instead of sexy vampires as imagined by Anne Rice, they only know sexy vampires from Twilight. And instead of watching the evening news to learn what is going on in the world, they don’t watch any news at all because that is boring.
To give you an idea of how the Class of 2013 thinks, we at VLKF have prepared a few facts about Generation Z.
- A freshmen just starting college in the fall of 2009 was probably born in 1991. The Simpsons have been on TV for their entire life. Kurt Cobain has been dead for their entire life. The Soviet Union has never existed, and stockbrokers have always been cooler than astronauts.
- They have never used typewriters or toaster ovens.
- They will look at you blankly if you ask them “Where’s the beef?” over and over again.
- Pluto has never been a planet, but Planet Hollywood has.
- They have never drunk warm milk straight from a cow’s udder.
- They never learned to duck and cover, leaving them woefully unprepared for nuclear attacks.
- Will Smith, Johnny Depp, and Tom Hanks are considered serious actors because they have never seen The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, 21 Jump Street, or The Da Vinci Code.
- They don’t like that music you listen to. What is that, like the Grateful Dead or something?
- For these students, Captain Kangaroo, Alf Landon, Charles Manson, Buddy Ebsen, the Big Bopper, Michael Jackson, and punk rock have always been dead.
- They don’t remember a time when a Bush or a Clinton was not representing America to the world in some capacity, and they don’t care.
- They don’t like Vegamite or Tang. They prefer Britney Spears to Gina Lollobrigada.
- For them, libraries are places where homeless people update their Facebook status. Apothecaries are now pharmacies, except they call them “drug stores.” Marijuana has always been legal.
- Books have always been read using a Kindle. They have never read a magazine printed on paper, nor have they ever used a movable type block-letter press.
- Under duress, they can lift several times their own body weight.
- Vinyl records and compact discs are completely foreign totems representing mysterious ancient technology and cultural rituals that have something to do with Dixieland jazz.
- They don’t even know about the Frost-Nixon interviews or the Spanish Civil War.
- They can’t remember when the Brooklyn Dodgers became the Anaheim Angels.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger has always been a politician, not an oiled-up, mostly-naked Austrian strongman.
- They believe that all pain and suffering is merely an illusion because the world is spiritual rather than physical in nature, therefore accepting medical care is a sign that your faith is…wait, that’s Christian Scientists, not college freshmen.
- The Segway changed everything for them--but then again, it changed everything for everybody.
- They have never felt the savage, primeval joy of killing an animal with their bare hands and plunging their teeth into its still-warm flesh.
- For the sole purpose of irritating old people like you, they dress up in stupid clothing from thrift stores, choose silly hairstyles, drink cheap beer, and pretend to like things ironically.
- They can’t remember when the word “gay” meant “happy” instead of “gay.”
Labels: freshmen, gen Z, vegamite
Friday, May 15, 2009
Today Is Not Opposite Day
Happy Opposite Day! Sike! Actually you should not celebrate Opposite Day because today is not Opposite Day. Because it is.
- Opposite Day originated in Canada for the television show You Can’t Do That On Television, which was ironically broadcast on television. It is celebrated today, which is at the exact opposite end of the calendar year from Boxing Day. Interestingly, Boxing Day itself was first celebrated as the opposite of Christmas, the American holiday. On Boxing Day Canadian children are asked to put one of their Christmas presents back in a box to give to someone else.
- On land, fires move faster uphill than they do downhill. On water, the opposite is true.
- Beach Adjacent: Every single house in the state of Florida is within 80 miles of a beach. For cities along the coast, this distance is even shorter. The opposite is true of landlocked North Dakota.
- December is the most popular month in the Phillipines. What is the least popular month? Also December, for Namibians in any case. There is no February in the Cayman Islands. The Turkish calendar does not have Wednesdays due to the fact that this was a traditional holy day in the Eastern Orthodox church.
- If it's not Scottish... Scottish boxes of crayons have three different shades of green, all of them named simply “Scottish Green.” The opposite is true in Belize, where there is no word corresponding to the color green in the local dialect—even though they speak English!
- It is illegal to tip in Iceland. The opposite is true in Greenland, where tipping is mandatory but at the discretion of the patron.
- Synonym is the opposite of antonym. Antonym is an antonym for synonym, which means synonym is an antonym for antonym. A synonym for synonym is analogue. Opposite is a synonym for antonym.
The following articles are not related to this subject in any capacity:
Ketchup Is the Opposite of Mustard
Chocolate Is the Opposite of Vanilla
The Beatles Are the Opposite of the Rolling Stones
Labels: not opposites, opposites, you can't do that on television
Thursday, April 30, 2009
VLKF Offices Closed Due to Swine Flu Scare
The Very Little Known Facts corporate offices will be closed until May 4 due to concerns arising from the H1N1 swine flu epidemic.
As a side note, in the future VLKF employees should regularly clear out their lunch products from the break room fridge. It is especially important to remove expired foodstuffs such as deli-sliced Boars Head Black Forest Ham, which has a tendency to grow a distinctive green mold after several weeks, a mold completely unrelated to and not capable of infecting anyone with the H1N1 flu virus.
For more information about influenza and common mythconceptions thereof, see our article Cold and Flu Season: Myths, Facts, and Legends.
Labels: flu, ham, possible contamination
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
A New Year Brings New Danger
Since April 1 is the first day of the vernal equinox, we at Very Little Known Facts thought it only fitting that we "spring" into the new year with some dire warnings.
- Watch out old timer! Up to 90% of nursing home inhabitants have aids, gonorrhea, or herpes. This is due to the fact that people could not afford common antibiotics like bactine during the Great Depression.
- If you hold your breath, no insect can sting or bite you.
- Are you chicken? The best way to deal with a snake bite: after bitten, immediately apply a fresh chicken breast as a poultice. That is where we get the English word poultry.
- If you survive a snake bite to the toe, the bone in your toe will eventually wither and die.
- Even non-poisonous snakes, although they are safe, have venom that can be transmitted via a snake bite. You can tell a non-poisonous (safe) snake from a poisonous (non-safe) snake by the markings.
- Sushi anyone? Due to the global recession, shark attacks are down worldwide. Scientists and marine biologists tell us that this could ultimately lead to starving shark populations attacking in a "feeding frenzy" of feeding.
Labels: poultry, sexually transmitted disease, sharks
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Horoscope for Agoraphobes
Astronomers tell us that horoscopes are based on cosmic truths, that the perfectly circular orbits of planets, moons, and galaxies around the sun affect us in mysterious ways, ways that we are only beginning to understand, but ways that we are pretty sure have something to do with our birthdays. (Or, if you were adopted, the date of your legal adoption.)
Certainly you have heard by now that Mercury is in retrograde. But what does that mean to you if you are a Pisces? What does that mean if you are a Pisces who just happens to be agoraphobic? Here at Very Little Known Facts, we could not help but notice that those suffering from agoraphobia are often completely overlooked in so-called “normal” astrological charts. So, without further ado, here are this week’s horoscopes for agoraphobes.
Aries (March 21 to April 20) – Jupiter is in ascendency early in the week. Avoid large, open spaces.
Taurus (April 21 to May 21) – Antares will be visible 10 degress above the horizon until moonrise. Stay indoors whenever possible.
Gemini (May 21 to June 21) – Neptune reaches apogee by Thursday. You may run out of meds. Just to be sure, call you phsychiatrist.
Cancer (June 22 to July 22) Don’t leave the house.
Leo (July 23 to August 22) Mercury aligns with Venus. There are just too many people out there. Don’t chance it.
Virgo (August 23 to August 24) – Seriously. Stay inside, or at least under a tree.
Libra (September 24 to October 22) – You know that really small closet tucked underneath the stairs? That seems like a safe place.
Scorpio (October 23 to November 22) – Impediments to work exist while Saturn is in your house; delay any new business ventures until late in the week. Your romantic endeavors will be smiled upon. Also, don’t leave the house.
Sagittarius (November 24 to December 21) – Challenges arise re: your agoraphobia. For instance, why didn’t you just pull the car all the way into the garage last night? What were you thinking?
Gemini (December 22 to January 20) – Something is going on with asteroids or something. Maybe a wide-brimmed hat or dark sunglasses will help.
Pisces (February 20 to March 20) – Don’t leave the house.
*Note that some dates overlap. If your birthday falls on one of these overlapping dates, you can choose your sign as desired.
Labels: astronomy, birthdays, sunglasses
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Superdelegates: Not So Super?
You have probably heard a lot of talk, or even banter being bandied about regarding the so-called “superdelegates” who may have the power to swing the Democratic nomination for president. If you are like some, you may well be wondering. Examples of the kinds of questions you may encounter within your wondering self are:
- What exactly are super-delegates?
- Where do they come from?
- What do they want from us?
To understand the phenomenon of Super Delegates, we must first return to the mainstay of American democracy, the Electoral College. The founding fathers included the Electoral College as the third, or “bicameral” branch of government as a check and/or balance against the power of the other branches, the Judiciary and the Bureaucracy.
The word “Electoral” itself comes from the Latin root Electra, the mythological female assassin who stalks the streets preying on evil-doers. Just as you can take any course you want as an “elective” in regular college, the “electors” in the Electoral college can vote for anybody they want. This insulates the government from the so-called “tyranny of the majority” where the candidate with the most votes wins the election. (See Hayes v. Tilden, Bush v. Gore, etc.)
Luckily, nowadays we have many sedimentary layers and substrata between voters and elected officials to limit access and prevent undue voter influence on government. The Supreme Court has consistently ruled that donating huge sums of money to forward a political agenda is a form of free speech, which is of course a self-evident truth since all men are created equal. Of course, all men do not have equal bank account balances and stock portfolios, because that would be Communism. And there are no super-delegates in Communism.
So, in summation, only Communists are against superdelegates, and God Bless the Enlightened Voters of these United States of America. Except for those voters in Florida and Michigan which don’t count this year.*
*Superdelegates from Florida and Michigan still count.
Labels: delegates, superdelegates, uberdelegates
